


the phallus fallacy

by longhairandbarefeet



Category: From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series
Genre: Completely AU, Dick Pics, F/M, Meet-Cute, this is silly and cheesy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:26:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9346547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairandbarefeet/pseuds/longhairandbarefeet
Summary: She’s no stranger to this kind of thing, and usually its just random churchgoers trying to get information on the service for the morning, but instead of opening the message and seeing someone ask some well-intentioned question, she’s faced with a very graphic photo of some man’s penis.akait's a dick pic au!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to my girls on twitter, ily all!!!!
> 
> it's silly and cheesy as fuq, so no judging! I apparently can't write angst for them. idk why.
> 
> it's unbeta'd

Kate doesn’t know how it happens, it’s funny really, one minute she’s sitting in the front seat of Kyle’s car waiting on the drive in movie to start, and the next she’s opening a text message from an unknown number. 

 

She’s no stranger to this kind of thing, and usually its just random churchgoers trying to get information on the service for the morning, but instead of opening the message and seeing someone ask some well-intentioned question, she’s faced with a very graphic photo of some man’s penis. Kate can’t help the small squeal that escapes her lips at the sight of it, and it’s for a million different reasons. It’s not bad looking, and based on the previous ones she’s seen, it’s anything but small. (She’s only kind of seen two, and it’s because her friend Jessica dared her to sneak in the boy’s locker room one day.)

 

“You okay, Kate?” Kyle asks, his arm reaching to sit around her shoulders and her eyes are still glued to the photo, but she quickly locks her phone and turns it over.

 

“Yeah, someone wondering what time the service started tomorrow.” Kate lies, placing the phone on the seat, and tucked underneath her leg. She’s not looking at it anymore, but the image of some man’s thing is burned into her brain.

 

“Oh okay,” Kyle nods with a big dopey grin on his face. “Are you hungry?” 

 

“I could eat.” Kate replies smiling back, her phone buzzing a few more times but she’s determined to ignore it because this is only her second date with Kyle, and she doesn’t want to ruin it.

 

“Great! They have the best hot dogs here.”

 

Kate suppresses a laugh until he leaves to go to the concession stand, and then she can’t control it because she’s unable to process the last five minutes.

 

+

 

It’s only when she’s home, and locked away in her bedroom does she decide to open her phone again and see the messages she received after the dreaded dick pic. She sees three new ones after the photo, and she opens each and reads them with her eyes scrunched in concentrated agitation:

 

**FUCKIN’ SHIT. THIS ISN’T SONYA IS IT?**

 

**I am so sorry. I probably look like a fucking creep.**

 

**I never send cock shots to girls, and this is the exact reason why!**

 

It seems that he sent that last one as an afterthought, and she giggles out loud because it’s kind of funny how embarrassed he seemed by the ordeal.

 

_Who is this?_ Kate types. _I don’t know what’s going on, or why you sent me that, but no, this isn’t Sonja, and I would appreciate you never texting me again._

 

Kate taps the send button, and lays her phone on her desk while she pulls a pair of pajamas from her dresser. She changes with her mouth pursed, and a peeved expression because she’s deep in thought, and trying really hard to figure out if she even knows a Sonja. If she did maybe she’d be able to figure out who this mystery man is. 

 

It dings as she pulls the tee shirt over her head, and she opens it quickly.

 

**I apologized! You don’t think I am embarrassed out of my fucking mind.**

 

Kate’s mouth falls open because he’s being confrontational. 

 

**You could be some perverted dude who likes my picture a little too much, or maybe a cop already trying to get me for indecent exposure or some technical shit. I don’t fucking know.**

 

Kate doesn’t want to do it, in fact she puts the phone on her nightstand, and pretends that she isn’t at all bothered by the douchebag with the dirty photo on her phone, but something small inside her makes her grab the phone and type anxiously.

 

_Wow, Sonja is a lucky lucky girl. You sound like quite the catch._

 

Kate replies, smile on her lips because it feels good to not be nice sometimes. She doesn’t give him time to respond because she reiterates her first question. 

 

_Who is this?_

 

He replies quickly. 

 

**Seth.**

 

_Well, Seth, I have church in the morning, and I didn’t appreciate the disruption you’ve caused me, I hope you’ll learn your lesson from this._

 

She waits for his reply with her phone in hand. His reply is short, but it makes her stomach drop.

 

**church girl huh?**

 

_I thought I was some pervy, old dude._

 

**And I thought you weren’t talking to me...**

 

He’s right, she wants to hit her forehead with her palm because talking to this guy could be a monumental mistake she’d immediately regret, but a part of her can’t help herself from it. She’s sitting against the headboard of her phone, trying to not respond to his message when a new one chimes through.

 

**which church?**

 

Kate’s breathing hitches, and she knows she may be to damn deep in this. 

 

**I think after the events of today, maybe I need church too...**

 

Kate debates for a moment, half of her knows he’s teasing her, but the other, bigger half knows he’s curious to actually see the girl he texted, and she’s curious to see the boy who texted a blurry photo of his junk. 

 

She turns her phone off, and lays it on the nightstand again, but not before texting him the address of Bethel Baptist, and the service times. 

 

+

“You okay?” Scott asks, waving his hand in front of Kate’s face. “You going to help me hand out programs or are you just going to stand there?” He’s laughing because he probably thinks she’s distracted by her date with Kyle, but she’s not even thinking of it. She’s clammy and nervous but it has more to do with the boy or man she’s seen too much and not enough of. 

 

“Sorry,” Kate replies, handing some programs to the elderly couple walking through the doors and smiling at them. She’s shuffling the programs back in order, and trying not to look at the smugness in Scott’s eyes, especially since it’s mistaken. “I had trouble sleeping last night.”

 

“I’m sure you did.” Scott replies under his breath. 

 

“May I get one of those, ma’am?” Kate is looking over at Scott when she hears the gruff voice of a man standing in front of her, and she turns quickly to see a handsome stranger in a tailor fit suit face to face with her. 

 

Her chest tightens at the sight of him, and she’s partially unnerved by the fact he’s actually here and he’s actually gorgeous and he’s actually smiling at her like he knows it’s her too. 

 

“Here you go.” Kate gives it to him, smiling.

 

“Thanks.” He takes it from her grip, but he doesn’t stop himself from sliding his hand down the length of her palm, and grazing his fingers just enough so they tickle her. It makes her feel good, and wrong, and warm. “I’ll catch you after the service, church girl.”

 

Kate waits a moment before looking over at Scott, and he’s beet red and looks like he’s ready to laugh his ass off at whatever just happened. She knows this service is going to last forever, she knows she’s going to have to explain everything to Scott, she knows she’s going to have to blow off Kyle, and she knows it’s going to be for a guy she doesn’t know who accidentally texted her a picture of his dick.


	2. it's weird, isn't it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is growing on her. She tries to ignore it, get back to the way she was pre-Seth, but she’s finding it hard to avoid the unavoidable. He’s there every Sunday, he texts her to tease her, and she finds that she can’t delete the very photo that started this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well i've been peer pressured into writing another chapter! It's cheesy, and messy, but it's so much fun to write! 
> 
> Seth is a persistent little shit. Who can blame him?
> 
> dedicated to deb, my gc girls, and all of my ladies on twitter. ily all!!!!
> 
> unbeta'd

“So how do you two know each other?” Jacob asks cutting slowly into his chicken, and looking suspiciously between Kate and Seth. Kate doesn’t know how this all happened exactly, but she does like the look of pure embarrassment that Seth has been wearing all evening.

 

She’s sitting around the dinner table with her family, and Seth, and it’s quite possibly the weirdest situation she’s ever put herself in before, but it’s got to be one of the funniest. It all happened so fast, one minute the service is over, the next minute she’s asking Seth, the perfect stranger with the respectable sized penis, to Sunday dinner with her family. 

 

“Well it’s kind of a funny story actually,” Seth says shooting Kate a smile, and she wishes he weren’t so damn attractive because the way he’s looking at her confuses her. It makes her question her feelings for Kyle, which she’s had forever. “I accidentally sent your daughter a text message meant for someone else, and she was kind enough to correct me.”

 

“How nice of her.” Jacob replies nodding, looking down at his place. “I’m glad it led you to our service this morning, it’s always nice to see new faces.”

 

“Thank you sir,” Seth says, and he cuts his eyes quickly to give Kate a darkened expression that she’s hoping no one else at the table notices, but it makes her nervous nevertheless. “I think you’ll be seeing a lot more of me, Pastor Fuller.” 

 

+

 

“You’re eighteen, right?” Seth asks leaning against the car, keys in hand, and he’s still wearing a huge, wide spread grin on his lips. She doesn’t know how he’s so confident even though they’ve only just met, and the meeting itself is under the most unusual of circumstances. 

 

“Yes,” Kate replies shortly, and she’s relieved that it’s not a lie. Her birthday was last week, and she’s convinced the man before her has got to be around thirty. “Why do you care?”

 

“It would be very unchristian of me to court a minor, little lady.” Seth replies placing his hand on her waist, and pushing her into the car. She can’t breathe, but with his breath so close to her mouth she feels he’s doing it for her. “And I may be going out on a limb, or counting my chickens, but I am a Gecko, and we don’t waste time on things.”

 

“I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.” Kate says swallowing hard, and she can’t help it when she places her hands on his shoulders to squeeze them. 

 

“No?’

 

“No.” Kate reaffirms, clearing her throat and praying her parents weren’t looking at them through the window because she doesn’t think she’d be able to deal with explaining this right now. Just yesterday she was going to the drive in with Kyle, and now she’s pressed against some stranger’s car who is managing to make her feel warmer than Kyle has ever made her feel before.

 

“You are a bad liar, Kate.” Seth replies, moving away from her.

 

“Why would you want to date me anyways?” Kate snaps back, and she doesn’t really know why she’s letting him affect her so much. He’s just a stranger. “What about Sonja?”

 

“Oh sweetheart,” Seth says, smiling widely, and chuckling under his breath. “She’s a fuck buddy.”

 

“Oh.” Kate replies scrunching her eyes tight, and wishing she didn’t look so damn naïve in front of him.

 

“And I don’t know to your first question.” Seth says lifting his hand to tuck a lose strand of hair behind her ear, and she feels flush at the sudden contact. “There is something about you, you make me curious. There aren’t a lot of girls who’d text a creep like me back after what I did, and even less girls who are as goddamn beautiful as you are.” 

 

“Wow,” Kate nods with a small smile teasing her lips. “Did you think because I was a little “church girl” that that would work?”

 

“Well did it?” Seth keeps looking at her, and she’s positive she’s never met someone like him. 

 

“I don’t know.” Kate presses a kiss to his cheek, surprised she doesn’t mind the proximity and that she likes how warm he feels. “Goodnight Mr. Gecko.”

 

+

**my ears are burning, not talking about me, are you?**

 

_maybe it’s one of your bootycalls..._

 

**you’re funny...**

 

_I’m tired._

 

**sweet dreams church girl**

 

Kate smiles to herself as she falls asleep.

 

+

 

“Hi,” Seth says closing the door behind him. She had run into the choir room to grab a few more hymnbooks for the service, and didn’t notice his presence.

 

“You make a habit of sneaking up on teenage girls like this?” Kate says teasingly clutching the books to her chest, and watching him sit in one of the chairs. 

 

“Just you, I guess.” 

 

“Aren’t I special?” Kate chuckles, and she slides onto the chair beside of him with a sigh. The service doesn’t start for ten minutes, and she likes the quiet of the choir room, it’s always a nice escape from the people. She looks at him, and clears her throat. “So you came back?”

 

“I said I would,” Seth says, and he reaches to rub the hair at the nape of his neck. “I, well, it’s weird that I am here isn’t it?” 

 

“Yeah,” Kate laughs. “A little bit.” 

 

“I can leave—”

 

“No!” Kate interjects, and she presses her face into her hand because she wishes she didn’t say anything that quickly. She spreads her fingers to peek through, and see the arrogant expression; she wishes she could reach over and slap the smugness off his lips. “I only meant, you can’t miss the service, you could stand to learn a lot. It’s about the value of privacy.” 

 

“And here I thought I was growing on you.” 

 

+

 

He is growing on her. She tries to ignore it, get back to the way she was pre-Seth, but she’s finding it hard to avoid the unavoidable. He’s there every Sunday, he texts her to tease her, and she finds that she can’t delete the very photo that started this mess.

 

+

 

**have you ever been kissed?**

 

_I don’t think it’s your business, Mr. Gecko._

 

**I just want to know if that kid has made an honest woman out of you, or if he’s too chicken shit.**

 

_well for your information, he’s a perfect gentleman._

 

**I am going to take that as a no...**

 

It’s a no.

 

+

 

He kisses her two days later on the porch of her house with her parents inside asleep. It was abrupt at first, between two sentences, and too in shock to speak she decides to kiss him again.

 

She knows it’s a dangerous situation, but she can’t help herself, everything with Seth has happened naturally, she plays no true part except letting it. 

 

He cups her face gently with one hand, and grabs the hem of her polka dot dress with the other, fisting it because he’s probably wanting to do more than have a heated make out session on her parent’s porch. 

 

“I should go. Your parents would fucking murder me if they knew I was corrupting their sweet daughter.” Seth pulls away to whisper, and he presses a tender kiss to her cheek, and she involuntarily leans into it. She’s learned to take his brashness in stride, and learned to actually appreciate it. 

 

“Okay.” Kate replies, and she wishes she could mask the disappointment she’s sporting, but her saddened tone makes him smile a little. He knows she’s letting him in, whether she likes it or not.

 

“Don’t worry,” Seth says pressing another kiss to her mouth, letting his tongue trace along her bottom lip slowly. “It’s about to get really fun.”

 

+

 

**I have a question**

 

_yes..?_

 

**do you still have the picture?**

 

_....yes._

 

**goddammit. I won’t be able to sleep now.**

 

_well you asked..._

 

**glad I did, goodnight princess**

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated! come fangirl with me!
> 
> twitter: callmequeenkate  
> tumblr: youcancalllmequeenjane


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